Since I've re-ignited my writing career (read: since I've been writing again seriously), I haven't suffered from writer's block or from a lack of motivation. And even in the last few months, inspiration hasn't been my enemy as much a lack of time and opportunity has been.
But I have to admit, lately I've been worried. When I think about writing, about my books, I haven't been getting that sense of impatience to get back to it that I've had for the last three years. Instead, I've been feeling more than a little ambivalent. And that's scary to a writer, because we have to be completely enthusiastic about our own work, our talent and our career all of the time. After all, if we're not, who will be?
Ambivalence means that maybe writing isn't what I'm meant to do. Maybe it was just a phase. Maybe I won't be able to write another word. If I had any talent, wouldn't some agent or editor have taken notice by now? Who am I kidding?
I've been pushing these fears to the back of my mind as much as possible. It's been pretty easy to do that, to justify my lack of motivation; I've been busy planning my daughter's wedding, raising kids, helping my husband through his last semester of seminary. . .no one can deny I've had legitimate distractions.
Tonight, for some reason, I found a new glimmer of hope. For the first time in quite a while, I felt that old longing to climb back into my story, to re-claim my characters and their fates.
Circumstances still aren't making writing easy, but at least I have some hope that the desire will come back.
Who knows? Maybe I'll be inspired to write a new story. . about wedding planning.